The Legacy of Pain and the Path to Healing

In Ted Lasso, Mae recites a powerful quote from Philip Larkin’s poem, This Be The Verse:

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
and add some extra just for you…”

This quote, though harsh, captures a truth many of us come to realize as we grow older: the people who raised us, even with the best intentions, pass down their unresolved struggles, insecurities, and pain. This isn’t because they wanted to harm us, but because they too inherited the emotional baggage of their own parents.

Generational patterns of behavior, trauma, and emotional wounds often shape who we are and how we see the world. In family constellations work, we often refer to this as inherited trauma—the unresolved emotional experiences of our ancestors that continue to influence us today. This legacy of pain is not just psychological; it can manifest in our relationships, health, and even financial decisions.

The Cycle of Inheritance

Larkin’s poem goes on to describe how parents themselves were shaped by their own upbringing:

“But they were fucked up in their turn
by fools in old-style hats and coats,
who half the time were soppy-stern
and half at one another’s throats.”

This cycle of pain, passed down from one generation to the next, can feel inevitable. We absorb not only the faults and fears of our parents but also the collective patterns of the family system. In family constellations, we explore how these dynamics influence us and, most importantly, how we can break free from them.

But as overwhelming as this may sound, there is hope. Healing begins when we recognize these patterns and choose to create a new legacy.

Breaking Free: A Path to Transformation

The last lines of the poem suggest a rather bleak solution to this generational transmission of pain:

“Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
and don’t have any kids yourself.”

But I believe there is another way to break the cycle—not by running away or avoiding parenthood but by consciously healing ourselves. The patterns of the past do not have to define our future. Through the work of family constellations, we can begin to understand the roots of these inherited wounds and, by acknowledging them, start to release their hold on us.

This doesn’t mean rejecting our family or blaming our parents for what they couldn’t resolve. Instead, it’s about seeing them as they are—humans, just like us, who did the best they could with what they knew. By acknowledging their pain and understanding its source, we can transform our own lives.

Choosing a New Legacy

We are not bound by the legacy of pain. While we may have inherited wounds from our parents, we can choose to heal them. This healing ripples out not just in our lives but across generations. By healing ourselves, we offer a new legacy to the generations that follow.

Imagine a world where we no longer carry the burden of unresolved trauma, where we live with more freedom, peace, and compassion—both for ourselves and for those who came before us.

In Ted Lasso, the quote serves as a reminder of the pain that’s passed down. But it can also serve as a call to action: to heal, to break the cycle, and to create a future where the legacy we pass on is one of love, resilience, and joy.